Haze of thoughts
Céleste
Choosing to work in this industry brought me first and foremost a job. I could finally work less hours and earn a lot more. In this scene that is shamed and a bit apart from the rest of this reality, some thoughts came to me throughout my experiences. Sometimes it’s teachings I remembered or new perspectives that opened up. So here are thoughts I wrote down during these last few years.
Hope is partly radical openness.
While trying to keep on living in this rotting world, I search for meaning and hope everywhere. Some glimpses are offered to me in the details of life and in my loved ones.
I have come to believe that a feeling of hope can emerge from radical openness to the world and others around us. If we can decenter ourselves from what we are experiencing in the moment, it can bring more connection in between others. The lifelong journey of letting go of our biases can only do good to us and to others. Being open to receive anything the other brings without judgment can ease some of the loneliness we all feel. Hope doesn’t have to be total to be there. It can be seen in the thin light of the possibility of continuing or the chaining to continuity. Openness can show us that nothing is over and everything can still happen.
The best and worst of humanity is intertwined in these spaces.
Like everywhere we look, we can find duality in our human world and imagination. In this industry where clients can fulfill their fantasies and their needs of connection and intimacy, I met the most incredible people. These colleagues were glowing effortlessly. Their passion, curiosity, movements and sensitivity were so strong that I couldn’t look past them. They inspired me to know myself more. They taught me more about empathy and holding space than anywhere else. There is also the worst kind of people in these spaces. Abusers that have no concern for others. People so disconnected that they make no sense to me. Their frivolous concerns for money, appearances, social norms and their ego separates them from others as well as shapes their interpersonal relationships. Men will trust other men for the sole reason that they have had successful financial dealings with each other. They protect their own. They feed their dark emotions so much that it consumes them. it’s easier to stay aligned with these feelings rather than accept another being with their own set views. It was always fascinating and unbearable to me to witness and to be part of a small world governed by money, addictions and heteronormativity in which intimacy and deep connections can bloom anyways.
Protect your heart.
With learning to be there for yourself, comes finding ways to protect your heart. Anything can take the form of bringing you some ease if you wish it to. Maybe the first way that you found to protect your heart was dissociating. Leaving this reality to access some peace far away. To be somewhere else can bring you so much, it can help you survive. I got lost in my hiding spot and I feel that what can help save you is coming back to yourself. Be the closest you can to you. Know what soothes you, what helps you go on.
With love,
Céleste